Today we bring you the sad news that after nearly ten years of service, our Steam Whistle will be retired permanently, due to the persistent complaints to the City of Olympia. Though we felt that the 5 o’clock blast was a time-honored tradition beloved by our region, harking back to the era of the Olympia Brewing Facility in Tumwater, it just goes to show that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. And greasy it is: it’s well known that the political machine that is Olympia City Hall always pays their debts, and we have reason to believe that this recent regulatory development is only the tip of the political iceberg of reshuffling and re-positioning power. Paul Meanie, Sr, a well-known misanthrope and napping enthusiast, has campaigned tirelessly (between his naps) to shut our daily whistle down, but it was only after last year’s election that he began to get real traction. In January we began receiving notices on city letterhead, mysteriously unsigned, with only the word “STAHP!” written in sharpie. The next month, our brew system was hacked by an elite North Korean cyber-warfare team*, setting our boiler temperature to 211 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s correct, one degree below boiling! Diabolical!
Not knowing where or when they were going to strike next, we cowered, resorting to a simple, short, meek “toot” in our city’s spirit of understanding and compromise would put an end to the conflict. Alas, this isn’t a negotiation, this is war. And we are outgunned, out-witted, and out-snacked.
And so it is that we hang our heads and solemnly pledge to the new city order. No more 5 o’clock (OK let’s be honest, 5-5:20 o’clock) steam blasts celebrating the end of the work day. From now on, we’ll be happy just to brew our beer and clock out after our day is done. We hope you enjoy your new peace and quiet.
*just kidding Kim Jong-un! We’re cool, rite?